the thing is

I got a late in life psych diagnose, I'm many 3 different letters of the alphabet.

The thing is putting a name to and treating correctly the something that fucked you up all your teens and adult life is great, you get to identify and treat (there is no solution to psych diagnosis just treatment, like HIV, you have to learn to live with it)

What not many people tell or explains is that for so many years you develop hiding yourself, cause you feel different, don't want to create drama or worry anyone; that when you can actually tell the difference between 'im ok' and 'i feel like shit' you are programmed to hide it, even from the people you are paying to treat you.

I have borderline personality disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and general anxiety disorder, at least those are the headlines. BPD, ADHD, GAT I should looked up in the stock market and buy.

Most people understand or relates the high and down of drugs, where you get high and the drug fulfills it's effect, but when it gets processed you get down and crash. What is not usually explained is that the same effect happens to psych meds, but with the drawback that is not just when the drug is processed, when your body starts to assimilate and your brain goes back to its usual malfunction it crashes you too.

I'm really happy I got diagnosed, I'm really happy I found meds that work for a while, but I'm just tired of having to keep controlling my every behaviour, if I'm shaking, if I can sleep, if I'm down, up, if Im foggy, if I have spasms; it's mind numbing to have to control everything just to try and be ok, not even happy, just ok.

My head came out wrong, It's broken and the only way to make it not wanting to kill myself is through a quite aggressive handful of pills, that has to be checked cause if I get too much toxicity is, funny enough, deadly. But if Im not taking enough it does not work and then I just want to kill myself just because my brain gets blood and it's "working".

No sé cómo hace la gente que no tiene diagnóstico para vivir, no los envidio porque no se que enfrentarán día a día; lo que si se es lo que enfrentó yo y la verdad que agota, tener que controlar, estar pendiente, pedir ayuda, entender que si no pido ayuda no cambia nada.

Sometimes I just want to drift, in my dreams where I can just see what I want to see and feel what I want to feel.